||The first nominee for Toughest Game Character is that little guy
from Excite Bike. You could land a 40 foot jump on his head and not only would he survive,
he would immediately get back to his feet and run for his bike to do it again. When I
asked about how he became so tough, he once said, "I'm in a game called Excite Bike,
fucker. You try walking into a Nintendo bar being the star of a game that sounds like gay
biker porn. You'll get tough real quick." As he finished his sentence, Donkey Kong
broke a chair over his head and called him a queer.
||The second nominee is Mario when he is riding in the ultimate
weapon - Kuribo's Shoe. This is a giant green boot with a wind-up key that is the coolest
thing that has ever been. One night under heavy doses of narcotics, I was playing Super
Mario Brothers 3 and one of my friends thought it would be funny to record what I was
saying so I could hear myself later when I was coherent. Here is a transcription of the
things I said:
|"Oh shit! I got the shoe! I'm so invincible! Oh! Eat it,
you bitch! You don't understand! I got the damn SHOE! It's the shoe! And look at how cute
I am with my stupid plumber head poking out of the wind up sock! I am the cutest
invincible shoe rider ever! Mario! Mario! He's in the ULTRA green SHOOEEE!"
This went on for about 10 more minutes as I kept bouncing back and forth on the level
screaming nonsense about the damn shoe until the time ran out. We sent a copy to my mom. I
heard she cried.
||The third nominee for Toughest Game Character is Little Mac. I
don't care if he fought cartoon rejects with glass jaws that telegraphed all their moves.
They were twice his size. Little Mac wasn't even big enough to intimidate an eight year
old out of their Garbage Pail Kid cards. But somehow he found the most useless manager in
the history of boxing and joined the professional circuit. His trainer/manager, Doc, came
up with an intense training regimen consisting of putting on a sweat suit and biking along
next to Little Mac. After that, they would gaze at the statue of liberty and Doc would
whisper to him, "JOIN THE NINTENDO FUN CLUB TODAY!" All of this intense work was
to prepare Little Mac for his championship bout with Mike Tyson. This was back before Mike
ate ears and was convicted of rape, so the game had a more light hearted feel than last
year's Acclaim game, Mike Tyson's Bitch Poundin' Boxing.
|After winning the championship, Little Mac inspired children and
midgets everywhere to attack people much bigger than them. In what is now known as the
"Funny Little Rebellion," thousands of tiny people were brutally beaten off.
Little Mac was found responsible by federal courts, and forced to spend the rest of his
life doing public service announcements about the dangers of violence. As for Doc, he's
currently eating a Twinkie.
||The fourth nominee for Toughest Game Character is Adobo. He was the
grotesquely large villain from Double Dragon. Billy Lee, Lopar, and most of the other
characters made fun of his pumpkin shaped head and his inability to find pants that would
fit him, but Adobo maintained a cheerful spirit during his job as a sub boss. In fact, he
was even a good sport when the evil Shadow Warrior painted him green and made him hide in
a cave. It was there in the lonely cave where Adobo nearly learned how to read.
|After Double Dragon, Adobo went on a nationwide hunt for his shirt.
He gave up years later and went on to win the Wisconsin Tough Man Rumble, and a number of
other midwestern strong man and pie eating competitions. Tragedy struck during a Texas
chili feed where he accidentally ate four servers and a child. Adobo has been in a
correctional institute ever since, and still turns green occasionally. Other inmates have
commented on the lameness of his handlebar moustache, but never to his face, of course.
||A winner has to be Little Mac. Like I told the judges, he won the
championship belt against people who had fists four times bigger than his head. Little Mac
couldn't even reach their faces without jumping. But the judges weren't satisfied with my
speech, and demanded a full contact Nintendo Kumite. We lured all the nominees into a
steel cage using a bag full of bonus coins and treats, but when they got in, no one would
fight. They started shaking hands and telling stories about the good old days when people
didn't make stupid web pages about them. Needless to say, their discussion wasn't very
helpful to our award decision. But we were all pretty sure Little Mac would have won if a
fight had started. And even though he's been hit in the head thousands of times, and it
sounds like he's been sucking helium, let's hear Little Mac's acceptance speech.
||Wow! I'd like... lollipop... to thank Doc.
doc....And... So.. cold.... Yo, Doc! I did it!! ... Got to try.. time machine tonight... for the secre... where? did... naked my
keys. I had... set VCR. Okay... mumble mumble...Thanks!
to I'm the champ you...
Click here while we try to figure out how the shoe didn't win.