Video Game Damsels:
by Joe Santulli
Welcome to another in my series of high-profile investigative reports: Video game damsels: Worth saving?
One might say "yes", but are you thinking clearly, my friend? Damsels are often merely playing the part of distress in an effort to gain the object of their affections. Do you truly believe, for example, that Olive Oyl (famous for her appearances in the Popeye series) was unable to gain Popeyes affections in any other way than to pit him against the man-monkey Bluto and the somewhat less than attractive Sea Hag? THINK AGAIN.
Do you believe that Marios little princess, allegedly held "hostage" high above a steel structure, could not willingly escape and seek a life as a fashion model for K-Mart? Have you noticed the cheap pink dress? Perhaps you should, once again, THINK AGAIN.
Dana Plato, well-known for her role on "Different Strokes", appeared in the game Night Trap, where she begged her expectedly male would-be rescuer to protect her and her friends from vampires. Do you truly believe the weak actors pretending to be vampires actually posed a threat to Ms. Plato? Or her friends? Have you ever seen Ms. Platos Playboy appearance? My fine friend, you should simply THINK AGAIN.
These "damsels in distress" pose more of a threat to the male game player than any of the so-called "obstacles" in the way to saving them. This is not my personal observation, but a fact, one that you should be aware of. The National Association of Damsel Studies (N.A.D.S.) states that there is a ratio of 25:1 in lives lost to damsels saved. Thats right. Mario will die 25 times before he actually saves his princess. Popeye will die 25 times before saving Olive Oyl. And if THAT statistic doesnt convince you, how about THIS one: one billion to one. You heard it right. One BILLION to ONE. Obviously the odds are stacked against the males.
To date, there has not been an effective claim that either Olive Oyl or Marios little wench have ever been saved. There are reportedly brief moments where hearts fill the air and all seems well, but then tragedy strikes, and the damsel is once again in distress. The young woman from the game Blueprint, tirelessly chased for the duration of many games, has yet to be rescued by her fearless man. And yet, there have been numerous reports of death or other equally disabling ends to Bluto, Donkey Kong, AND the bad guy from Blueprint, whose name you would not recognize even if I happened to remember it. How can this be? Is this some kind of cruel joke to chivalrous men?
There is no need to answer. The entire "damsel in distress" ploy has now been exposed. Olive Oyl, Dana Plato, Mario-girl, Ms. Blueprint, and YES, even "Mommy", from the game I Want My Mommy are all part of this elaborate plot. It has even been said that the fair Artemis from the game Phelios has "pulled a fast one" on Apollo, she wasnt frozen in stone at all! It was merely a facial mask that made her appear as if she had been turned to stone. If the camera could have tilted just a bit more, Apollo would have seen that Artemis was in fact chained to a flimsy Victorias Secret display counter.
Why, why, WHY is this treachery being perpetrated on our male heroes? Stay tuned for my next investigative report: Video game males: Heroes or Transvestites? Coming soon!
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