Plumbers Don't Wear Ties


Review by Matt Paprocki

Kirin Entertainment

Dating Sim

Graphics: 4

Sound: 3

Gameplay: 0

Overall: 0

Date: July 21st, 2003.
Place: Bowling Green, Ohio
Store: Recently opened gaming store 2-Play

Report of findings

I, officer Paprocki, entered the recently opened store "2-Play" around 2PM EST. Upon entering, I inquired about some 3DO games which where sitting behind the counter. The store clerk approached and said they were priced at $10 each. After siphoning through countless copies of Madden Football and PGA Tour, the clerk informed me more 3DO games were in the back, in a box, waiting to be sold on E-bay. I asked to see the evidence. The clerk proceeded to bring forth a large, cardboard box, full of games. While waiting, I noticed a "Neo Geo CDZ" inside a display case and asked the price. He said it wasn't for sale, just for display. We were told it was "too rare to sell." Upon inspection of the box, I found a game which was entitled "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties." As a rookie officer, I was unaware of the crime being committed by selling this game.

After purchasing the game (evidence #20647), me and my partner, officer Kohn, proceeded to insert the game (following all of the manuals instructions to ensure this was properly done) into my 3DO multimedia console (evidence number FZ-10). Immediately after insertion, I recalled reading about this software title and the crimes that it had committed against every 3DO owner in the US. Officer Kohn immediately took the controls and began playing the "dating simulator" as it was called on the box.

Immediately, we were thrust into the atrocity that this software was. Unable to escape the seemingly endless onslaught of bad voice acting, countless grainy still pictures, and a constantly decreasing score, we continued to play. Once the still screen of the man wearing the cheap (most likely rented) chicken head popped up, both I and officer Kohn remembered the law passed by our states government that outlawed the selling of this game for the betterment of mankind. We re-entered our vehicle, flipped on our emergency lights, and proceeded back to the store where we had purchased the game.

Upon entering, we found the citizen playing the Neo Geo CDZ which he had refused to sell us earlier, even though it was on the stores selling floor. We immediately identified ourselves as officers of the law and read him his rights. He questioned as to why we where handcuffing him while bashing his head into the counter and we referenced penal code #06900 to explain the situation. We offered to stop bashing his head into the counter if he would sell us the complete copy of Policenauts which was in the same box as "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties," but he said that it was not for sale either. We also arrested him on the grounds of false advertising. Defendant will have trial date set at a later time.


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Last updated: Monday, April 05, 2004 06:26 AM