Ninja Combat


Review by Matt Paprocki



Graphics: 1

Sound: 3

Gameplay: 1

Overall: 1.5

Usually when writing review for horrific games, I try to have some sort of funny "angle." You know, a quiz, faked "internal documents," bad movie references, stuff like that. Try as I might, there is nothing funny about Ninja Combat. This torrid piece of chips and cheap plastic is one of the most abominable pieces of software to ever enter the industry.

I THINK this is supposed to a side scrolling fighter along the lines of Final Fight/Double Dragon. Everything else is just WRONG. You have the option of 2 ninjas, neither of which provide any amount of enjoyment. As the game progresses, certain bosses will join your gang of fighting people and take on a group of enemies like no other. You'll be up against fat sumo wrestlers wearing boxing gloves, the standard generic ninja, fat woman, and KKK rejects carrying spiked clubs.

Not even the enemies show signs of life. The vast majority of them simply walk right past you, occasionally taking a slash. Other AI is simply programmed to stand on top of the player and attack relentlessly. Prepare to die a lot. more than a lot actually. Every 2 minutes is probably more accurate. Unlimited continues make this one possible however, depending on your tolerance of this type of drudge, of course.

Explosions are about the only thing in the game with decent animation, and even these are nothing to get excited about. Half of the characters aren't even proportioned correctly, making them look like they were drawn by a 3 year old, high on crack, with a 96-count box of Crayola's. Picking up various weapons that either enemies drop or pop out of barrels scattered throughout the stages (who the hell leaves katanas, nunchuks, and knives in barrels filled with flammable liquids anyway?) has no effect on the look of the character, only adding to the humility the player must endure when playing this one.

If anything has any redeeming value, it's the music. It's classic early 90's arcade tunes here, but even these are ruined by the hilarious banter spouted by the characters. Doing a special attack (by holding down the attack button in case you still care) provides such quotes as "I poo" and "I envy you." No, it's probably not what their saying (it's most likely unintelligible Japanese), but I challenge you to hear something different.

When you see "46 megs" plastered on the front of the box, don't be fooled. There's not a chance in hell that more than 3 of those megs were actually used in the making of this game. Ok, maybe 4, but no more than that. If anything, video recording your friends reactions to the game the first time they play it would be enjoyable, probably funny enough to make a website out of. However, strapping them down, putting an Alf birthday hat on their head, pouring a box of Fruit Loops on their crotch, then setting them outside for birds to have their way with them would be funnier yet.


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Last updated: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:29 PM