Review by Joe Santulli



Graphics: 6

Sound: 4

Gameplay: 3

Overall: 3

Unless you're extremely patient, you'll never see the nudity.Here’s one of those gaming anomalies that pop up for just about every system once its been around a year or more. It’s the "adult" game, geared at opportunistically taking advantage of both the rising videogame market AND the ever-popular adult video market. Now this is what I call capitalism! It is not, however, what I would call good gaming.

Is Neurodancer entertaining? Well, it all depends on your point of view. More specifically, it all depends on how badly you need to see a naked woman. I consider myself very high on this list. I’m the kind of fellow who would watch a late movie on HBO because I was told the nude scenes were good. And yes, I’m the kind of fellow who would purchase a game like Neurodancer (although it was heavily discounted due to the fall of the 3DO system) because it has a pretty hot looking stripper on the cover. Much like those late night movies, this game was a disappointment, naked women or no naked women.

The purpose of the game is to rack up enough cyber-credits to pay for one of three pretty girls take off their clothes. Yep, that’s really it. No post-apocalyptic background story. No high-scoring sub-games. There isn’t even a way to win or lose. Just "steal" energy from an unmanned energy factory (I don’t know what this boring maze is supposed to be, they don’t really get into that here) for credits, then dial a babe! The three actresses in the game are surprisingly attractive! You pay for each article of clothing removed. Once she’s completely nekkid, you start paying to touch her. That’s where this thing really starts to get silly.

Take off your top already! Damn these "games of skill"!With its patented TFUI (Touch & Feel User Interface), a slightly closer view of your topless cyber-date appears, and if you point at the breastal region, a hand from off-screen appears to fondle her earthly goods (hey, that hand looks like Howie’s!). Or, you can touch her face... but understandably that’s not much fun. Attempt to touch the little vixen "below the equator" and she slaps your hand away. I’m not quite as embarrassed reporting these findings to you as I was actually trying them out, but this review IS all in the name of better game playing for all, right?!

I’m sure at this point some of you are still drooling at the chance to own this game, sick pervies that you are. But let me assure you, there are pitfalls to overcome. It’s not all naked chicks and boob-touching, I’m afraid. Remember, in order to get the right to call up one of the gals you have to steal energy. And this, my lusty friends, is enough to take you right out of the mood. To get the energy, you have to maneuver a remote pod through an incredibly dull, dark, and simplistic maze. The going is VERY slow here - crawl a little bit ahead. Turn slowly, crawl a little bit ahead, get the energy. Turn slowly, crawl back a little bit... ugh it’s so tedious you have to wonder why they even bothered adding this "game" portion to the... er... game.

Now here’s my final take on this title. First of all, I’m hoping that any future attempts at the adult market via video game developers either A) completely removes the game aspect and just leaves the thing in a "virtual" pervert mode, much like the stripping section of this game; or B) makes a good game where naked chicks just happen to be part of the action. PC games have come a long way in this respect (or so they tell me) and console gamers expect the same consideration. The 3DO was victim of several weak adult titles, several of which were actually purchaseable at Electronics Boutique! That ALONE should tell you it isn’t worth buying. When I buy an adult game it had better be from a sweaty, smelly, darkened cave. Not in a place where my Mom gets gift certificates for Christmas!

There, I’m done. That wasn’t so bad, was it? Remember that softcore stuff like this is available on late nite TV. You don’t need this game.


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Last updated: Wednesday, April 21, 2004 04:40 PM