Miss World Nude '96


Review by Jackson Diner



Graphics: 6

Sound: 1

Gameplay: 2

Overall: 2

Since possibly the beginning of time, man has found that the viewing of the opposite sex in the erotic genre still gave them that strange tingle down under. I can only assume the first case of which. It was a revolutionary day. While enjoying his daily head bonking ritual, Ugh the prehistoric ape came up with the greatest idea! He gathered his friends, uGH, UgH, and ugH to gaze at this splendor. Using only a stick, Ugh drew in the dirt two circles with dots in them. After a few seconds of realizing what it is their eyes have bestowed upon, they immediately started to masturbate. And to this day, Ugh the genius, brought forth a landmark in perversion, adolescence, and economy, pornography.

Well one thing led to another (Beat'em and Eat'em, blah blah blah) and now the geniuses from Comad have brought upon us Miss World '96 Nude! The Game opens up with several beautiful ladies staring at the screen in a fashion that says," I am such a slut! Degrade me NOW!!!!" So far so good...I think. Insert a coin. The soft enticing voice of most-likely an overweight 46 year-old whore from Bangkok with just enough time to pull the burning cigarette from her sticky lips to say the words," Let's play!" gently caresses you in a verbal euphoria. Uhmm...sure.

It is now that the horrors of the soundtrack unfold. A song which sounds like something you might hear at a Kroger in Kuwait creeps through your happy virgin ears. You are then prompted to select a continent to insult and degrade. Umm...random pick...Africa. I had no idea pornography was this popular in Africa. Wait a second...all the girls are black. Are you saying that everyone is Africa is black? You racist Comad! There isn't even one black person in Israel! Or Kuwait for that matter! I pick a girl.

The game starts. The Kuwaision grocery store song ends (thank God!!!). Apparently, this game is set up like Qix, except you play as an orange Pac-Man. Where the hell did that come from. However, the horror has barely started. Each stage has it's own undefeatable enemy. This stage apparently has a spider. Okay... I "eat" off a piece of the game board. To my enjoyment, part of my beautiful selected lady appears. I try again. I'm killed by the goddamn spider who obviously doesn't want me to look. Bastard. This cycle continues for awhile until I'm almost finished, but then the unthinkable occurs! An animated picture an Asian girl screams,"Turning!" and my beautiful chocolate love queen turns into a hideous zombie vampire thing. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! But that's not the worst of it. A voice sample plays saying," EVERYBODY MOVE YO BODY!" And then possibly the worst song I've ever heard plays. It sounds like a mixture between 90's techno and Satan himself.

I immediately turn the emulator off. My computer as well for that matter. That night I had awful dreams about beautiful women "TURNING!" into disgusting behemoths of nature. Miss World '96 Nude is quite possibly one of the worst games EVER made.


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Last updated: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:28 PM