Ice Climber


Review by Joe Santulli



Graphics: 5

Sound: 4

Gameplay: 6

Overall: 5

The secret life of the Eskimo.

Eskimos seem pretty "cute" to us, I suppose, with their little igloos and their little furry hooded jackets, and their chubby little rosy cheeks. I must tell you my friends, that there is a dark side mired in the daily lifestyles of our friends up north. And it's dark not because their days are naturally shorter than ours but rather because it is saturated in murky deeds and dire, immoral etcetera. Allow me to share some of these hidden Eskimo rituals. I hope you are sitting down for this.

In the cold tundra, an Eskimo must learn to survive or perish. Eskimo law dictates that "the man who climbs the highest mountain shall survive". It's like "survival of the fittest" except that these Eskimos can get pretty chunky so the "fit" part isn't very practical. Still, you must be in superb physical condition to jump, smash, and climb the terrifying heights the common Eskimo must climb. Armed with only a gigantic deadly hammer of death, even the weakest understand the basic moves: 1) swing gigantic deadly hammer of death and; 2) swing gigantic deadly hammer of death while jumping. Both methods can smash ice blocks and stun the creatures of the arctic tundra, if not slay them outright. Eskimos enjoy brutal, violent, murderous climbing, you see.

The rigors of the mountain are many. Besides being eaten alive by angry birds of prey or gigantic, slow-moving flying insects, spotting Bigfoot is commonplace around these northern wastes. Yes, that's right, my friends, the Yeti exists. Fortunately, he is easily stunned by a swift blow with an enormous, skull-crushing instrument of chaos. There are also deadly icicles that will plummet from high above. Care must be taken to avoid these, or bash them to pieces with your terrifying bludgeoning hammer. If you think this is horrifying, an even more sinister creature awaits the brave Eskimo who takes too long to climb the sheer rock face: an indestructible polar bear! Of course, particularly stupid Eskimos exist too. These are the kind who break holes in the ice, climb through them and then later plummet to their death through the very hole they used to proceed. Silly little dead Eskimo!

It is because of these many dangers that the judicious Eskimo typically travels with a partner. This provides good back-up when the situation turns ugly. "Two massively destructive tools of crushing are better than one" is the Eskimo mantra.

The path to the top requires a great deal of jumping, flailing, and killing and is further impaired by other, some may say supernatural, obstacles as well. For example, there are especially slippery ice paths that can send an unsuspecting Eskimo right over the edge, and there are shifting clouds that the magic-wielding Eskimo can leap upon to transport him horizontally across the mountain face. However, perhaps the most incredible proof that black magick exists here is the fact that Bigfoot can produce an unlimited number of magical ice bridges! That's right, if a Bigfoot encounters a hole, he'll run back to his apartment (Bigfoot homes are numbered to avoid Bigfoots not returning to their proper home after a night of drinking. Remember, the nights are VERY long there) and produce a magical bridge, sealing up the hole so that he may travel freely and eat any Eskimo not dexterous enough to smash his skull in when he approaches.

What's it all for, you may ask. What compels these chubby little bastards to brave these physical and metaphysical dangers of this dark, icy world? The answer is eggplant. Eggplant, and catching a ride on a Pterodactyl. For once the perilous journey has ended, the hungry vegan Eskimo can now collect the ripe eggplants that are commonly found at the peaks of the highest mountains. It's a shame that these Eskimos can't enjoy meat, since they produce piles of it in their kill-crazy rampage up the mountain, but it's all part of their mysterious ways.

There you have it, my friends. It is a bizarre lifestyle, true, but it is the way of the Eskimo. Destruction, bone-crushing death, and eggplant. The rest of us can only dream.


Go to Digital Press HQ
Return to Digital Press Home

Last updated: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:26 PM