Duke Nukem 3D


Review by Matt Paprocki

3D Realms


Graphics: 4

Sound: 5

Gameplay: 3

Overall: 3.5

Day 1: Received brand new Game.com Pocket Pro and Duke Nukem 3D from family member for some holiday reason. Forced to sit through It's a Wonderful Life and dinner with aunt Edna. Never had the chance to play.

Day 2: Wake up and check E-mail. Head over to -censored-.com to check out some reviews of my new gift. They claim Duke Nukem is great. Without further adieu, I rush downstairs and begin tearing open the plastic container used to prevent idiotic shoplifters from stealing the game console off store shelves. Sliced my wrist on the plastic, end up in the hospital. Never had the chance to play

Day 4: Day three was spent in bed, recovering red blood cells. It took 17 stitches. My arm is killing me. After getting out of bed, I collapse on the floor due to lack of blood, bashing my head on an end table. Back to the hospital. Never had the chance to play.

Day 14: Wake up from coma, surrounded by family. Doctors seemed surprised that I'm alive. I feel my head which is covered in blood stained bandages and wrappings. I guess I really did a number on myself this time. Parents hand me my new Game.com and almost get to play, but a nurse came in and told me it was time for surgery. Never had the chance to play.

Day 16: Seems I need some brain surgery or something since part of it was actually beginning to protrude from my skull. My barn....err, brain, seems to be functioning properly then....uh, I mean now. Finally get the Game.com back in my hands with Duke Nukem 3D. Begin to play....grow angry.

Day 17: Wake up in the hospital, still clad in a bare-assed, thin, cotton robe. Eat something I was told came from the kitchen, but the sewers wouldn't even accept it. Find my new toy buried within miles of sheets. Hit power. Console on. Begin play. Game not fun. Choppy, get me headache. Brain hurt. Hungry.

Day 18: Play more game. Can't turn to side, only strafe. Enemies scary. Gun kill them. Make happy me. Game stupid. Man talks. Says "damn" and "bitchin" a lot. Makes funny. Ha ha. Ask nurse for brain. She says "crazy" and make sleepy me.

Day 19: I walk hallway in game. Die. Can't move in hallway. Head hurt me now. Experiments going wrong. Can't control game. Everything blurry....maybe just Game.com screen. Parents no see me no more.

Day 20: Game become life. I'm new room. Lights. More people. Funny smell. Characters in game look like me. I be one. I must escape horror. Itchy.....tasty.


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Last updated: Saturday, June 18, 2005 09:26 AM