Corpse Killer

Sega 32X CD

Review by Matt Paprocki

Digital Pictures

FMV Shooter

Graphics: 5

Sound: 5

Gameplay: 2

Overall: 3

Dear Sega,
I'm Jimmy, your biggest fan. I'm 9 years old. Thanks to my parents, I got a Sega Master System for Christmas one year and ever since then I liked you. You guys are the best. Then, after being beat up in school because I didn't have a Nintendo machine, I got a Genesis, but my friends said I should wait for a new Nintendo. I called the stupid heads and then got beat up again.

Soon after, I started to get an allowance. I saw your commercials for a CD system, so I saved up ALL of my money until I had $300 to get one. The beatings began again since I didn't buy a Super Nintendo machine. But, then I seen this new version of the Genesis and had to buy that too so kids would think I was cool again. That was a lot of money. But, since the CD thing didn't look right with this new Genesis and my parents didn't like it on their entertainment center and it wouldn't fit on the shelf in my room, I had to buy that new smaller CD system as well. Then the beatings got worse because I could have bought one of them 3DO systems by now.

But, I knew it would all be over when the 32X was released. I mean, it has these new graphics and everything so I rushed out and bought one the day it came out. That was another $160. So like I spent $1,000 or something like that on your machines (my math not so good), and that doesn't even include the games! I was really happy to find out that there would be games made for the 32X CD! I mean, sure I could have bought a SNES and 3DO by now, but this was the 32X and it was CD!

So, the first game I bought was this "Corpse Killer." It has this Jamaican guy (but I really don't think he's Jamaican, he may just be an actor) and these zombies. You start off falling from the sky in a parachute but they never say why. My parents seen me playing it and seen this cute girl and what they said was bad acting and said it was something called a "porno" so they took it away from me. So, now I didn't have any video games and my school chums started to beat me again.

So, one day, my parents left on some vacation and I found all of my systems. I think I hurt my back picking it up because there are so many things connected and moving the TV was tough, but it was worth it! I got to shoot these zombies that were trying to eat me and kill me, but I shot them! But, I kept dying, so I went out and bought this gun thing called the Menacer for like $60 and those zombies stopped eating me. I like how you can select your own stages too. That's really neat. I mean, it's YOU control a movie!

That girl is really cute too. Her name is Julie. I think I'd like to go to the mall with her, but don't tell my friends! But, I really don't think the game is that fun. I mean, it's almost like the same scenes play over and over and over and I'm just shooting the same zombies and it's never changes. Oh, and how do the zombies fly? I almost think that they're not really a part of the movie, but added later with some of your fancy video equipment like in that Jurassic Park movie but not as good. But this Dr. Hellman guy, he created the zombies and he's like crazy or something but I can't find him.

It's also weird that all the zombies make the same noise. If they're all different, shouldn't their noises be different too? But, I stopped playing because the game really wasn't very fun. I think you should make better games for this cool system. I mean, sure, you control and make movies, but I don't like zombies so much. I think you should make one where you play Scottie Pippen in basketball or a fighting game. You know, like that Mortal Kombat just without the blood and stuff. My parents don't like me playing that type of game. That would be the best Sega!

Now I want a Saturn but my parents won't let me buy it because they think you guys are ripping me off but I told her you guys were too nice for that. They said something about a "lawsuit" but that's a big word for me and now I can't afford a dictionary since they took away my allowance when they seen me playing that "porno" game again.

So, like, I was wondering, since I bought all the systems in the past 5 years, can I have my money back now? I mean, I don't think a Scottie Pippen video game would be made, not when people like Michael Jordan and Shaq out there. Even I know that doesn't make sense. The video game store lady said I was "screwed" but I didn't know what that means and they only offered me $3 for the whole package. They said the systems were stupid, but I told her Nintendo was. I didn't think that was fair so that's why I'm writing this letter.

Your best pal,


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Last updated: Sunday, October 31, 2004 09:14 AM