China Warrior


Review by Matt Paprocki



Graphics: 3

Sound: 3

Gameplay: 1

Overall: 1.5

Somewhere, deep within the ever growing bowels of the video game industry, there lies a plague. A plague that it little known of, yet so obvious to us all. Yes, this plague has killed the industry once already, and someday, just maybe, it will do it again. What am I speaking of? Bad video game design school. Yes, for every DigiPen out there, there must an evil twin, luring in young aspiring game designers with promise of fame and fortune. These schools ruin their lives when games like China Warrior are released with their names attached to the credits, forever ruining their hopes and dreams they once had.

Ok, ok, there probably isn't a bad video game design school, but if you've got a better idea for where this game came from, go for it. China Warrior is one of those games you begin playing and can't put down. Not because of it's engrossing story line (there isn't one), not because of it's splendid graphics (don't ask), and not because of it's spectacular gameplay (they forgot to include any). No, you'll simply wonder when, if ever, this game will ever show any redeeming value whatsoever. My job here today is to tell you this: There isn't any and you won't find it.

Once a controller is in hand, players will take control of what looks like a 200 foot tall Bruce Lee look-a-like. The massive size of these horrifically animated sprites is about as good as this game will get. Taking on generic Bruce Lee look-a-like man will be hundreds of multi-colored cloaked monks who have no attacks....they simply run into our, uh, "hero." Some of them do have some mild intelligence, they duck, then continue walking aimlessly past the boring Bruce Lee look-a-like. Other dangers include bird/moth/bee/flying fairy/ thingies that attempt to dive bomb Mr. Bruce Lee look-a-like and offer power-ups when their lives are ended. Oh, we can't forget the ever so prevalent boulders, torches, and mysterious fireballs. The source of these projectiles is never known and they seem to come from the sky itself.

The games bosses (which are constantly repeated) are as huge as Bruce Lee look-a-like man, but their tactics are much more sophisticated than multi-colored cloaked monks mentioned above. These guys punch and kick with the best of 'me leaving our Bruce Lee look-a-like hero helpless a majority of the time. Dying at the hands of these generic bosses will require you to repeat the entire stage. The ENTIRE stage. No, you don't just start at the halfway point, that would be convenient and hopefully end this atrocity sooner. Unlimited continues are available via codes, but if you actually want to play this god-awful piece of crap any longer, may the force be with you.

Listening to the music closely, you may discover some enjoyable tunes in the classic 16-bit style, but it's hardly indistinguishable from any other game on the console. When punched by Bruce Lee look-a-like man, these multi-colored cloaked monks don't even scream in pain. Falling off the screen into oblivion is sufficient enough for them (even though there's really nowhere for them to fall), a testament to the incredible ability of the programmers (note: sarcasm). Oh yeah, there's no need to control Bruce Lee look-a-like mans walking either, that's done for you.

Yes folks, bad video game design school is alive and well, still turning decent programmers into idiotic morons who know no better. China Warrior is only one example of what this school has done to our population. Unless they are stopped soon, things may only get worse. If your wondering about some other games that have come from this underground criminal designed as a school, let me only remind you of the Atari 2600 Pac Man, Last Battle on the Genesis, and of course the unforgettable E.T. the Extra Terrestrial also on the 2600. Beware gamers, for you may be sucked in one day unable to escape the overwhelming power of bad video game design school!!!!


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Last updated: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:17 PM