|Gilligan's Island. I'm not making this up. Somebody made this game.
It amazes me enough that the idea of seven idiots stranded on an island
sounded good enough to make a TV show
out of, but then the fact that the same idea convinced someone to make a game
out of it is incomprehensible.
You control the Skipper as Gilligan follows you around. You exchange comedic quips
during your walk that decorum prevents from transcribing here. Needless to say,
these two are about as interesting to listen to as Barbie's future shopping plans.
As anyone who wasted thirty minutes of their life to watch the show knows, Gilligan is
very accident prone. He's the same way in this game. Birds and baboons hate him,
and are constantly attacking him. And if you leave the screen while he's busy
getting his ass kicked, you lose him. Then you have to go back
and get him and hear his short speech that gives you gameplay hints to prevent
future Gilligan losing mishaps. And it's really embarrassing to have to get
game hints from a mentally handicapped man in a droopy sailor hat.
The skipper can punch, but he doesn't ever want to when he's moving or jumping, or
in the middle of any other situation where the punch might be helpful. So this game consists
mostly of tripping over rocks, waiting for Gilligan, and shaking your head in disbelief at
how amazingly dumb this game is.
Gilligan happily offers his thoughts on the vicious baboon attack
that nearly kills the Skipper.
||Gilligan looks like Waldo, but I think that's because they go shopping
together after their Magic: The Gathering tournaments.
||Even if the Skipper and Gilligan would shut the fuck up, you still
wouldn't want to play this crap.
||It's amazing how durable this cartridge is considering the Professor made it
out of coconuts, Ginger's panties, and Mrs. Howell's denture cream. But my copy
still fell apart after only three hits with a shovel.
|Tag Team Pro Wrestling. They spent about as much time
programming as they did coming up with that name. Most of
the animation in this game was accomplished by turning the little
guys sideways, so the whole thing plays like a bad Final Fantasy
movie. For example, a body slam would consist of one wrestler
suddenly appearing sideways above another wrestler's head.
The graphics jump around like this so much, it may look like
something has gone wrong with your Nintendo. Don't worry,
it's just a bad game.
The system for doing moves was also very ingenious. Most games
require you to go through this unnecessary sequence I call, "using
the controller." Not Tag Team Pro Wrestling. Instead of
actually controlling your guy during an action sequence,
you scroll through a list of untranslated moves like "Enzui Giri!" and
pick one. Then you relax and watch the little guys run around and play
by themselves. And I believe "Enzui Giri" translates into: "You buy any game,
white devil! Ha ha!"
But no wrestling game would be complete with just bad graphics and
unresponsive controls. A good game needs clever names. Names that strike fear into the
hearts of enemies. However, the names in this game were decided by
a group of racoons randomly picking words out of an English dictionary
and chaining them together. The results were "The Ricky Fighters" vs.
"The Strong Bads."
Becoming the "Super Champion" requires something like 50 wins, but
I think anyone playing this game long enough to accomplish that
probably can't form sentences well enough to tell anyone about it.
Graphics by Jacob, age 8.
||Take the ugliest thing you've ever seen and cover it with vomit. That's
how bad these graphics are.
||You might giggle at how bad it is at first, but if you
actually start to play it, it makes you pretty sad. Sad for the
people who made it, sad for the people who bought it, and
sad for the cartridge that now must be destroyed.
||Tag Team Pro Wrestling has told me that it dreams of
one day meeting a magical princess and becoming a real
video game. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but I laughed.
|X-Men. Born a thief in Cairo, this windrider grew to be
worshipped as a goddess in her native Kenya. She is a mutant,
like the creatures from M.U.S.C.L.E., and stars in a game that
is hated and feared by the public.
I always wondered why companies even bothered to get a license
for comic books and movies when they're just going to make a
crappy game that has nothing to do with them anyway. In this
piece of trash, you control a group of children in cardboard robot
costumes. The game claims they're the X-men, but since none of them
seem to exhibit any of the X-men's powers, you can't be sure. The
one that's supposed to be Wolverine doesn't even have claws. "Kick! Kick!
Hop! I'm Wolverine, bub!" I think
the only super power of his that was programmed in was his keen sense of
smell. This is a very appliable skill when you're fighting the various toasters and
typewriters in the game.
Trust me, though, I don't just hate this game since it defiles the X-men. The X-men
are stupid enough to defile themselves. I hate this game because it's a bad game.
Two X-men at a time waddle through armies of small mechanical things that look like
they were made out of trash cans and Speak and Spells. The computer controls one
of them, but you can count on them either getting stuck in a corner or repeatedly
running into the same enemy until they die. Needless to say, they're about as much
help as Gilligan. You'll be happy when they're gone.
If this game had digitized voices, you can
bet you'd be hearing Wolverine and Cyclops here explaining their
powers to one another for the benefit of the player.
||I wouldn't have known those ugly things were the X-Men unless
you told me, and I still don't believe it.
||I can list a few of things that are less fun than this game, but most
of them end in death. Mutants are hated and feared with good reason:
They star in one of the worst video games of all time.
||Super Powers: 8
||This cartridge is laced with Adamantium, the strongest metal known.
This, along with its mutant healing factor make it very hard to destroy.
It's the best it is at what it does, bub. And it sucks.
|Dragon Lance: Heroes of the Lance. I don't know if
I should be insulted that someone thought I would want to play
this or amazed that its creators haven't been beaten to death
by angry consumers. It's the story of eight characters going on
a quest to probably kill some dragon or something for experience
points and magic potions. Every time I play it, I end up hallucinating and building
a hat out of tin cans. Then I attack people with a paper towel roll screaming, "I'm a
chaotic evil half elf dwarf fighter! Rahhrrr!" And no matter how many of my
friends I kill, I still have yet to raise a level.
It's a good thing you have all eight of your inept fighters in Heroes of the Lance,
since the controls are so bad, you'll probably run a few into pits or get
killed by a little bald man half your size while you sit and wonder
why your guy isn't attacking and/or jumping. You also need each of the eight
guys since they're all specialists. Some are much better at dying within a fewer number of hits.
Some have a blue hat instead of a green one. There are other
important differences like, according to the statistics, some are more
charismatic than others. Be sure to keep track of this important character trait in case you ever
figure out which button is the "Seduce Monster" button. I couldn't find it.
My cartridge has been missing ever since I rubbed that potion of invisibility on it,
so if anyone finds it, please return it to:
Chuck's Auto Scrap Yard
187 Minare Road
Moscow, ID 83843
Please include a note on it that says, "Destroy for 400 Experience Points, you bitch."
What are you laughing at? You act
like you've never seen a woman being kicked in the
shins by an angry hobbit before.
||Ass, a myserious stranger said this about the game's graphics:
"I have seen many terrible things in my life. I've watched a man
chew his own leg off to escape a rusty bear trap. I've seen animals burning alive,
bleating to me for help. I've seen things that could turn a man's soul black. But
nothing could prepare me for Heroes of the Lance."|
After this short speech, Ass returned to the shadows.
||I consider myself less fun for having played this game.
||Irrational Temper: 9
||After picking up a small spoon, the Heroes of the Lance cartridge
charged at me furiously. It leapt through the air and struck me hard on
the temple. I fought to maintain consciousness as I brought my
rolling pin down fiercely on its plastic frame.|
"I can't beat it here. Not in its envirornment. Got to lure it onto the
dancefloor," I thought outloud.
"Your clever plans can't save you now, Seanbaby. You'll die here! So
sayeth, Heroes of the Lance(tm)!!!" screamed the game, now wearing
a little belt. It seemed to look into my soul. It was a deadly opponent, but
I couldn't give up. What would Flash Gordon think?
|Deadly Towers. This game was originally called, "Shitty
Towers," but when seventeen play testers went on a homicidal
rampage, its name was changed to remind us all of that cold, bloody
morning. This is the story of Prince Myer, the arson, as he quests to
burn down some evil towers.
Most of Prince Myer's adventure involves fighting flying rats and blue bouncy
balls by throwing his sword. The manual describes it like this:
"SHORT SWORD -- You start the game with this sword. It is so weak,
you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword)."
Don't try to make sense of it. Just do everything in your power to not play this
I think this game was released by a concerned parent group to get kids
to stop playing Nintendo. And it worked. Hundreds of children everywhere
threw their controllers at the television and went outside, desperate for any activity
that didn't involve Prince Myer or his deadly water puddle enemies. Others
continued to play, and inevitably dismembered most of their families. Was it
all worth it? Just so a few kids could get some sun?
Since then, a group has formed called, "C.h.a.d. T.a.c.o." (Concerned Humans
Against Deadly Towers And Christian Orgasms) They tend to be a little
extreme, but you haven't lived until you've been to a Chad Taco cartridge
Oh no! Prince Myer! He is feeling lonely
because of his weak sword! And the ultimate deadly combination of fireballs, puddles,
and blue beach balls has placed him in deadly peril! Can you
save Prince Myer from his fate in this fantastic game of skill and wits?
||Looking at Deadly Towers is sort of like looking at a blank piece of gray
paper, except more boring and more ugly.
||Take every besmearching comment I've made about how the other
19 games suck. Now stick them all here and add some vulgarities.
Put an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence and scream them
out loud. That's how much I hate this game.
||Party Use: 5
||You can play a drinking game with Deadly Towers. Have one of your
friends (the smallest one in case they need to be restrained) play the game.
The rest of the people watch, and drink every time he vocally expresses
his disgust with the game. You can theoretically take turns, but everyone will
probably be too drunk to move in a few minutes.
Back to Part Three