|Bible Adventures. A game mixing all the fun of learning about God with all the
excitement of wandering around aimlessly. This was an atrocity released by Wisdom Tree, a
company who learned that making Christian based games was the best way to hide their lack
of programming skills. Christian children everywhere were disappointed when they received
this game as a gift from parents who thought (like Wisdom Tree hoped they would) that
mixing video games and Christ would help them learn the magic of western mythology and
grow up to be splendid citizens. The plan was flawless, and the Pope himself made a huge
blue hat out of the strangely colored Bible Adventures cartridges. He was happy his sheep
were finally able to praise Jesus through three gloriously unplayable games on a single
baby blue colored NES cartridge!
There was Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. They were all like Super Mario
Brothers 2, except they had less action, more ridiculous goals, and inspirational Bible
Noah's Ark was the highlight of the Bible Adventures experience, where you get to perform
entertaining goals like dragging unwilling animals back to your boat for hours. In Baby
Moses, you get to carry Baby Moses above your head while spiders and guys with spears try
to kill you. You can throw the baby at them, but no one gets hurt, and he just hits the
ground smiling. The game usually degenerates into me throwing Baby Moses into a river to
watch him slowly drown and pretending it was an accident. Yeah, the game knows I meant to,
but it doesn't care. When you beat the level without him, it says, "Good Work! But
you forgot Baby Moses!" So even if you kill Moses, you still feel good about
yourself. And isn't that the way he would want it?
Very few historians knew about Noah's superhuman strength. Here he is
holding three farm animals above his head to get in shape for the repopulation of Earth.
Back then, fertility exercises involved lifting cows.
||As far as the NES goes, the graphics aren't bad. But since almost all of your time
will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what
the rest of the game looks like.
||Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there is nothing fun about this game. One
might play it when they can't fit prayer time into their busy video gaming schedule, and I
think you could use it to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your
right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures."
||Jesus Power: 8
||This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles like multiplying fish,
resurrection, and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme
temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place.